Bed Rest Diary

Tom's View: The Husband's Take

It may be awful being on bed rest, but it's almost as awful having a wife on bed rest.

I work - a lot. Long, long hours. And now there's no-one to share the daily routine of life with. It's like she's stepped off the travelator. And I have to run twice as fast to keep our living moving at the same speed.

We need food - I've got to get it. And the list of things she HAS to have is staggeringly long. Milk, cheese, eggs, and meat must be constantly by her side (to improve fetal growth, she tells me; I'm trying to keep two human beings sustained, it seems). Leafy vegetables with lots of vitamins. Prenatal vitamins in case the vegetables don't work. Bread, cake, biscuits, crisps to deal with the yawning hunger of a heavily pregnant woman.

Two pitchers of iced water by her bed side to keep her hydrated. A constant supply of new magazines and DVDs and newspapers to keep her entertained. Stamps, envelopes, and paper so she can write letters to friends. Pads of drawing paper, in case she's feeling inspired.

Clean sheets, so she doesn't feel too disgusting. Blankets to cover her cold, cold feet. Indigestion tablets to deal with the ever-present pain of heart-burn. Paracetemol in case the headaches become unendurable.

Dinner at night. Breakfast in the morning. And a tempting lunch, plus three snack meals, to keep her going through the day.

I run through an enormous check-list before I leave in the morning. I dash around the apartment collecting magazines, shaking out the washing, filling up pitchers, collecting post, cutting up carrots, slicing portions of cake, covering cups and plates and bowls with cling-film.

By the time I get into the office, at 7am, I'm exhausted.

What NEVER To Say to Your Bed Resting Wife

Dear Readers, after thoroughly investigating this question I can tell you that while there are a number of things not to say to your bed resting wife or partner, the following seem particularly dangerous:

1. I wish I could stay in bed all day.

2. Why don't you sort out our finances? After all, you've got nothing better to do.

3. To be honest, I'm not all that interested in what happened on Ricki/A Baby Story/Extreme Homes today.

4. Are you putting on too much weight?

5. Sorry I didn't pick up dinner, I was too tired. Why don't we just eat cereal?

6. Oh, wait, was I supposed to organize something special for this weekend?

7. My mother and father are coming tonight.

8. How many weeks have you been on bed rest? (and then underestimate the number)

9. I can't wait until you're up and about again and can do your fair share of the chores.

10. Why did we decide to have kids in the first place?

You have been warned.

Husbanding the Bed Resting Woman

It may be awful being on bed rest, but it's almost as awful having a wife on bed rest.

I work - a lot. Long, long hours. And now there's no-one to share the daily routine of life with. It's like she's stepped off the travelator. And I have to run twice as fast to keep our living moving at the same speed.

We need groceries - I've got to get them. And the list of things she HAS to have is staggeringly long. Milk, cheese, eggs, cold meat - protein in other words - must be constantly by her side (to improve fetal growth; I'm trying to keep two human beings sustained, it seems). Leafy vegetables with lots of vitamins. Prenatal vitamins in case the vegetables don't work. Bread, cake, cookies, chips to deal with the yawning hunger of a heavily pregnant woman.

Two pitchers of ice water by her bed side to keep her hydrated. A constant supply of new magazines and DVDs and newspapers to keep her entertained. Stamps, envelopes, and paper so she can write letters to friends. Pads of drawing paper, in case she's feeling inspired.

Clean laundry, so she doesn't feel too disgusting. Blankets to cover her cold, cold feet. Indigestion tablets to deal with the ever-present pain of heart-burn. Tylenol in case the headaches become unendurable.

Dinner at night. Breakfast in the morning. And a tempting lunch, plus three snack meals, to keep her going through the day.

I go through an enormous check-list before I leave in the morning. I run around the apartment collecting magazines, shaking out laundry, filling up pitchers, collecting mail, cutting up carrots, slicing portions of cake, covering cups and plates and bowls with saran wrap.

By the time I get into the office, at 7am, I'm exhausted.

Tom’s Top Ten Tips – or, how to deal with bed rest at one remove

1. It turns out it is not a good idea to ask your partner if she’s had a “good day” when you get home. This seems to elicit lengthy sarcastic monologues of the type, ‘oh yes, bloody marvelous, absolutely topping, I’ve been driven mad all day by the buzzing fly on the window over there, haven’t been able to get up and kill it, how would you feel being buzzed at for twelve hours straight, wonder the Nazis didn’t think of it, tell the government it should be in the Geneva Convention, people should not be exposed to flies for indeterminate amounts of time . . .”
2. Consider inventing a very long fly swat.
3. Do not forget to leave a large stash of food by your partner’s bed/sofa if you are going to be out all day. Really, seriously; don’t forget. Because if you do you are likely to come home to a woman who has gnawed the arms off the sofa and the keys off the laptop.
4. This is not the time to worry about your partner’s waistline. Excise all thoughts of her figure from your memory. In fact, don’t even let her see you thinking about it. She wants cookies? Buy two packets. She wants cake? Liberally soak several slices in heavy cream. Fries? Once she’s polished off her own portion, let her eat all of yours. This is because a) she’s pregnant and hungry and b) otherwise she will divorce you.
5. Do not report back to your partner any of the scare stories you hear from your friends/colleagues/golf buddies. As soon as people hear the pregnancy is high risk they will deluge you with stories of the type, ‘I knew someone to whom that happened and their baby was born ten weeks early with green hair, no arms, and three nipples.’ Don’t pass these stories on. In fact, try to make some up that involve women with precisely her diagnosis delivering healthy babies and then winning the lottery the next day.
6. Don’t make a phone call just before you leave for work in the morning and then drop the phone on the hall table, or you’ll get home to find your partner in a straitjacket. Speaking to friends may be the only thing keeping her sane.
7. Make sure you have a good long distance phone deal. If you don’t, and the bill is terrifying, don’t say a word. And if you can afford it, get her a good internet connection and be prepared to be interested in the lives and losses of all the women she meets through her newsgroups. MandisMomma is about to become her new best friend.
8. Don’t make your partner receive guests she hates. And yes, this may include your parents. Remember, she can’t escape . . .
9. If you are going to be late home, tell her. If you say you’re going to call, call her. If you tell her you’ll have a delicious take-out when you get home, don’t walk through the door without it. She’s probably been counting down the minutes until the anticipated treats and will be ludicrously disappointed if they don’t materialize on time. (She may even cry. If she does, for God’s sake don’t tell her she’s “over-reacting” or “hormonal” or “psychotic.” She may be all of these things by this point, but that’s your problem as much as hers).
10. Offer to massage her poor bruised hips at the end of the day, no matter how tired you are, and try to bring home a treat at least once a week. It can be a new moisturizer, it can be nail polish (remember to get nail polish remover and cotton wool as well!), it can be a box of chocolates, it can be a bunch of flowers to brighten her room. But give her something to look forward to, something that will make her feel loved and as if you still view her as a woman and not just a large human incubator.

          But don't, whatever you do, ask her how her day was.